Recently I heard a statement thrown at me that went something like this: “look at Portia show us that she can clean the kitchen to advertise her wife material-ness”. As you can imagine this made my blood boil, but I kept quiet and continued cleaning with the aim to address this later…
Let’s address this belief that every time a woman cares, helps, cleans, cooks or dresses nice she is auditioning to be a man’s Mrs Right. Now I know I am not alone in this. I am rather sick of losing friends who made things awkward by telling me or assuming that I am in love with them and that is why I am caring for them or helping them so much. In fact the friendzone was created for such!
So I am single and happy, for now. The perks are that I do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. The disadvantage is not that I’m lonely (I have friends) or that I am shunned by society (I aint accountable to “them”) or that I don’t have body heat in winter (Uhm…I live in Durban plus I have those fabulous Mink blankets from the many family Zulu weddings I attend, so I am set. lol)…no that’s not the problem…the issue is that all eyes are on me as if I are auditioning to be someone’s wife! So you get the side eye if your nails are a bit long, or your hair is not perfectly coiffed or you don’t jump up to get the broom after a friend’s party or arrive early to help set the dishes or wash the dishes in an apron after the buffet lunch. It’s as if the aunts and nay sayers of the world are saying “You MUST always look and act like the PERFECT WIFE as every action of yours is an audition…Men see everything, show him what you are made of honey otherwise you will be ALONE FOREVER…*dramatic pause*”. Uhm!??? I just wish they had this passion to see us become anointed, educated, powerful and independent women…sigh.
Okay, so I will admit that on one side there are those women who have applied the above techniques with the intention of being seen by their male counterparts and have successfully caught that man. *slow clap*. Great advertising. However, this done purely as advertising can be compared to the hypocritical Pharisees that prayed out aloud in the open courts so that everyone could see and hear their eloquent prayers or those that fast and leave their lips dry for all the world to see. Now that means that the eyes of the people are their reward…that’s it. Now besides this being weak and shallow criteria to select a wife and the fact that more than 50% of women can do the above with their eyes shut; I don’t want a man’s eyes, I want his vision and love (this is another story for another day). On the other hand, there are many married women that couldn’t or still can’t cook and clean to save their livess #jussayin…so what did they do to catch that man?
I am not against the visible displays of “womanhood”, in fact meany of us have been brought up by “old school” mothers who cannot sit still until everything from the dishes to the curtains are clean! They epitomise a helper in every way and carry themselves with a dignity worthy of respect. Most of them didn’t get the chance to be in a social setting where their suiters could see them cook, clean or visit them in hospital before they were married…so besides their beauty, there are other characteristics that got them the marriage. I believe that they understand that they are helpers, in or out of marriage.
Carolyn Custis inspired me by explaining the concept of “helper” that has changed my outlook a bit, she says: “The word helper is actually the Hebrew word ezer. Historically, we’ve narrowed the word ezer to mean wife and mother, to indicate that a woman’s role is to take on supportive duties for the husband. But when God declared that “it is not right for a man to be alone, I will make a helper” , they were in Eden. The man didn’t have a house, laundry, or meals that needed to be prepared. So what is she helping him with?
There are 21 occurrences of the word ezer in the Old Testament. It’s used twice for the woman. But it’s used 3 times for nations Israel turned to for military assistance, and 16 times to describe God as Israel’s helper.” See the rest of this article on the following link. God’s Purpose for Women
Now I will let you ponder the above statement but for me, a take out is that God is not lesser/weaker than Israel, nor does He need Israel’s favour. He is just being Himself in love when he helps. Just as much as we understand God’s leadership and strength in men, why can’t we understand God’s help, care and multiplication in women, with the same reverence for the originator?
So when I clean, cook, look after anyone, dress up nice, I am being myself by design and upbringing. This has nothing to do with you men. In fact, I wish all of you would meet our mothers and then dare come and say we are auditioning to be your Mrs Right. That woman would cry a widow’s tears if she saw me in night gown past 7am, how much more being caught chilling in a dirty kitchen. So my design and my mother are my motivators more than marriage to you. Askies neh…
So, if we had to keep the theme, in the pageant for Mrs Right, what you men see us doing after the party or when you are sickly or when you simply need an ear would only be the talent part of the show… you still have to:
1. ask us the tough questions at the end to reveal our true character under pressure,
2. see us in our casual wear – what is it that we enjoy doing, our “happy place”?,
3. see us in formal wear – how we interact with your crowd, those important to you,
4. see us in our swimsuit – where our souls are naked and we have nothing to hide
5. see our smile – our personality and,
6. our walk -our lifestyle and values.
7. announce the Queen and her princesses – we know we are being chosen as your Queen amongst many options…but once you make your choice, make sure the potentials know where they stand as no one wants drama 😉
So please gentlemen, don’t lose our friendship by jumping to conclusions on our intentions when we do woman things…that’s like us crowning you Mr Right for rocking a fitted suit or supporting Orlando Pirates Football Club…its shallow and can make things rather awkward.
We cool right?
Portia The Extrovert
Hello World…Welcome to my mind
Its 2015 and you know what there’s no better time to do this. I have too much in my mind not to find an outlet outside of your usual journal, scrap piece of paper and corner of a tissue! So I’ve always wanted to start a blog to generationally (not sure this exists) save my thoughts, revelations, theories and opinion on anything and everything! So here we go, as a way of introduction, let me explain my I named my blog “the memoirs of spiritual loner extrovert (SLE)…
They say women are complicated…psh! Can you sense that I disagree? No ways, women just need love and affection (cue Rihanna’s Love Song). We are incubators and give more of what we get and are not, against popular belief, all the same. Done. In 2 sentences I have described the woman…okay, now let me be serious.
Me the Extrovert: “I was here”
I, like all humans, am simply complicated. I believe I am a walking paradox…When you meet me, you probably were/are/will be a bit scared as I am “out there”, “intimidating”, “very sure of who you are”, “loud” or “crazeeeee” just to quote a few first time responses. Now I can look at all this to say I make my presence known and let my light shine (with no filter for who or what is in the room) or see it as an attempt to explain what I choose the world to see. Trust me when I say I believe my relational effectiveness is based on an “Portia was here” moment for everyone. You have to live a life where you are an asset in people’s lives and you are traceable by your unique noise, actions, words, impact and values.
I believe what we project is what we choose the world to see. Yes I am loud and crazy. The world says I am an extrovert…a ENTJ to be psychological. I do get energy from people, I do express in every way possible (thus the blog to add to my expressing outlets) and I reckon I adapt and get comfortable too quickly for most people’s comfort. Ahhh…ya neh!
Me the Loner: “1 man moment”
But (can I even start a sentence with but???…can’t recall grade 3 English lessons so forgive me), I actually love and can live in my own company for long periods of time, I am self motivated and think too much. A friend of mine would jump in at this point and say “no no no, on the contary, I believe people don’t think enough”. hahaha. Anyways, these would be indicative of an introvert right? But then I’m an extrovert! Through and through. So as not to offend the intoverts (many of which are in my circle of friends), I decided to call myself a loner.
A loner is not lonely, they are just alone. They are quite effective alone – from planning a seminar to writing a song – and are not afraid of hanging out with themselves. They know the power of private wars won publicly and have a “me against the world” view. Now someone may think its sad to be a loner, nahhh, I disagree, I truly believe that everything done on earth started with 1 man…this means that the vision, idea, goal etc. started with that 1 man. This means everyone needs time for their “1 man moment” so they can be effective. For us to see things clearly and live our lives we must have an element of “the loner” in us to block out the noise of the world cos man it is loud and unfortunately the music its playing is of uniformity, doubt, greed, discontentment, negativity and competition.
Me the Spiritual: ” God runs this”
Now I am aware of the millions of views on spirituality and the existence of God (or not). Frankly, I don’t care. God runs this. I love God and everything about Him. I am a christian woman who lives a life surrendered to a good God. If you want my heart or the essence of who I am; tap into my spirituality. I believe that we are spirits with a mind in a body. I believe we are made in God’s image and that we are destined to rule and dominate the world, not each other. I believe if we all understood what and who we are, we would solve the world’s problems as (1) there would be no competition as everyone would be operating in their unique calling and not trying to be someone else, (2) there would be no more greed and poverty as we would be using the world’s resources as we should and (3) there would be no war, strife or conflict amongst us as we would take after the nature of our Father. Now before you jump up and down tuning me for over summarising the world’s problems…before you spurt out hectic economic terms and the million and one societal, family and world issues that I haven’t addressed, note; luckily I am not a politician or a economic guru and so I have no qualification to sit and count all problems in the world. I just believe a root cause is lack of identity, leadership and truth.
This can be solved by the manufacturer alone as He is the only one who knows the operation of his creation. Check this; many times we buy the latest TV or gadget, throw away the manual and figure out the features as we go along. Now that’s okay, except that we use these at probably less than 50% of capacity and capability, often break things during trial and error and experience too many surprises as we try and figure it out. To fix it, we often take it to the manufacturer who would usually ask “have you read the manual” then proceed to fix it, whether by replacing parts or giving you a new one as what you bought is still under warantee. So..God is the manufacturer, His word the manual and the warrantee your lifetime. I am spiritual as I cannot live a life of trial and error or too many surprises…I refuse to live to half my capability or capacity. So, by choice, I know and continue to know my manufacturer, God. I choose to, in the words of the late Myles Munroe, DIE EMPTY of everything I have the potential to achieve.
I hope you enjoy reading this blog as I share my authentic and unapologetic thoughts, songs, ideas and experiences with you…and if you don’t like it, you shall be strong *sticks tounge out*