Fearless: You vs. The Imposter (Part 2 of 3)

Part of being fearless is facing the enemy within.


Our biggest enemy is not the devil, your ever growing number of haters and other external factors, your biggest enemy is yourself.

Ever felt like there were two yous? One that is a faith ninja, that roars like a lion and has Beyonce stage wind service for her hair as she bulldozers past haters, including self hate, towards her destiny. What an image. Then there’s the “realistic” you, the one who dwells on their shortcomings, calculates to the nth degree the probability of success, hyper sensitive and risk averse…you know, the one who prefers to be bullied by circumstance into action. These two are always wrestling and draw strength from different forces; One is Jacob, the other Israel. One is Saul, the other Paul. One is Abram, the other Abraham. Now, I know that is not new, but it needs to be repeated so we stop misdiagnosing our actions and circumstances

you vs you

Growing up my late father used to say my problem is that I don’t fear anyone. I believe he was trying to use reverse psychology to keep me there but he was wrong. Human beings, nah..school/exams, nah…I would proudly and often exclaim, to convince myself more than anything, that “I will not be beaten” by a piece of paper!”, so no! Many called me confident, sure of myself and God forbid, at 8 years old my report card said I was “bossy”. I mean! Did they say that to the boys in class or was it termed “leadership potential”. Anyways, that is for another day, but you get the gist…fear wasn’t outwardly visible and I didn’t know any different. Then I listened, for affirmations beyond my parents and God and a new narrative started to be built.

I was told that I was “too much”, “ugly”, “selfish with my intelligence”, “too outspoken”, ” too opinionated” at about the same time I was going through ado (aka adolescence). I allowed those words to be bricks in the empire I was building. This built an alternative to my true self. She was much more apologetic, downplayed her intelligence, was risk averse, people pleasing and unsure. However, people seemingly gravitated towards and accepted her more and so she stifled the fearless one and the imposter was born.

Side note: Now I am not referring to the imposter syndrome, which is very real and can actually be a symptom of our subject today. I have experienced  it and have sadly seen it especially amongst African corporate beasts. FYI: Imposter Syndrome is the phenomenon where generally high-achieving individuals feel intellectually fraudulent, despite all evidence to the contrary, and have a resultant fear of being ‘found out’ as an imposter. Shout out to Pauline Clance and Suzanne Immes for putting into words what we have struggled to explain most of our lives.

So why do I call the “imposter” as if I am bipolar? It is due to the fact that people are given a glimpse of who they are, but the world can be given the power to disagree and share a more “realistic” view, often resulting in a “socially” fit, slightly passive and apologetic human…aka one that fits right into the latest fabric of society. Windows 10 is a problem, okay this is not the platform for my issues, but as a way to land my point, they have this issue where if updates are not installed correctly, for example; when you logon, it cannot find your original profile and creates a temporary profile where nothing you worked on is visible anymore. How apt as an analogy of the imposter profile and the real one hidden somewhere in the REGISTRY (can you tell I was frustrated? Psh!)

There is something glorious and beautiful about simply being yourself. It is now considered brave to stand for something in our liberal world, but also believed to be close minded…latest fabric vibes at play. I believe that authenticity is the ultimate display of fearlessness but as with most things it requires us to win, daily, the inward battle between the imposter and our true selves. For the life of me I cannot tell you how to kill the imposter, especially since we live in a broken world and it is an ongoing struggle, rather let’s focus on some ideas on exposing and silencing this talkative unwelcome side of us.


I cannot emphasize enough the need to take an honest look at oneself. Take the time to reflect on who you are or have become and check if you still like or love you. Having had one or two Damascus moments in my life and what I saw threatened to fill me with regret, I thank God that He jumps into solution mode when we expose ourselves to Him. All who know me know my slight obsession with my distant mentor Dr Dharius Daniels, the following thoughts are a collation of much of his work. Do not be deceived, you cannot outgrow brokenness and as much as I can respect your ability to get back up again, the person that comes up is not the same one that fell…check what you lost (yes you are alive, but where is your joy, self belief, vision?) or what you picked up in the form of dirt (bad attitude?) and scars (bitterness?). I have learnt that facing yourself will usually pit you against the imposter, and what really counts is who God is backing. If God is for you, who can stand against you…thankfully not even you can. Thank God He will always back His design, broken as it is, He can and always fixes it!

Take hold of your thoughts

Look we have to get a bit aggressive and protective of our thought life to win this battle. We are a summation of our thoughts, we thought ourselves into a lot of what is happening in our lives. “As a man thinks, so is he”. It is so important to manage your thoughts!

Eat what you want to produce

The world rightfully believes that you are not what you eat, although sometimes I believe I am, as I munch on a scone…EEK. However, in the spiritual world, you are what you eat. When you speak, your mind dips into your knowledge base, heart and memories to communicate 360 degrees. This is why someone can say “yes I would love to” but their body language, tone and facial expression say something totally different! Your mind dipped and pulled bitterness up and so while your self control was able to spurt out something different, the rest of you didn’t quite agree! Silly example, but I cannot be the only guilty one. Anyways, what you watch, listen to, read, consume in any manner (too many mediums these days) is locked in the form of opinion, feelings about things, way of processing information and solving problems. You produce, act, behave from what you placed in the library of your mind and heart. So, if you are constantly chewing negativity, comparison, selfish ambition, you will spew it out, one way or another. What goes in must come out. Luckily you can have some fibre, in the form of surrounding yourself with people who challenge your thinking, reading good books, listening to positive music, etc. As with any habit, it will take time, but hey, each time a good thought takes over, you are weakening the imposter. Best of all, it changes your narrative!

Seek affirmation…just from the one who knows you best

Look I can lie and say we must be so strong in our self concept and belief that we don’t need any affirmation. As I said, I could lie. Words of affirmation are one of the five love languages. Jesus, a God and sinless man, was affirmed during the people (sic) by His heavenly Father. People can act out without affirmation from their parents, schoolmates, teachers etc. Something in our design makes us need affirmation. Now ask God why, as I personally am not 100% sure.

Anyways, who you seek affirmation from matters as what they say creates the narrative/belief system you have of yourself. Social media, friends, family, work, achievements, recognition, money, success, material belongings are all rather powerful affirmers. The changing, “dependant-on-circumstance-period-environment-fad -feelings” nature of these affirmers means one day you could be great and the the next day, not so much. It is like willingly buying into a rollercoaster where your evolution is based on how the world feels that decade or even that day. I reckon we need a solid/consistent affirmer. God, naturally, comes to mind as His main selling point is He doesn’t change. One meaning of “Holy” is constant. That and the fact that He designed you and all your quirks and so if He says you rock, best believe you do. No pot has ever turned and argued with the potter.

So, in the spirit of managing thoughts, a note to my imposter:

“I know my faults, weaknesses and strengths. I am okay to be less than perfect. I take hold of the thought that I am not good enough and place it at Gods feet. These thoughts must answer to God now as I cannot deal. Did I mention that I have stopped hanging out with people who make me feel less worthy or who are takers while I am a giver? Oh and I have dethroned money, work, achievements and emotions from dictating who I am. The only voice I listen to now is God’s one, and man He makes me blush when He says I am the head and not the tail. He has the final say. Fullstop.”



Let me know thoughts

Portia, The Spiritual




To be Fearless is to be Fully loved (Part 1 of 3)

I aspire to be fearless.

This image gives me life!

I LOVE this pic. It gives me life and jitters. We will talk bravery, the lion and all that growl inducing mantra stuff in part 2 of the “Fearless” trilogy

For now; Part 1

5 years. That is how long God has been telling me to be fearless, or at least some derivative of it. If I told you the exact phrasing you would probably figure out some of my secrets and passwords over the past few years and so nah fam. Okay, I digress.

I have heard and seen so many teachings on fear or fearlessness and have attempted to summarise them into 3 key themes ;

  1. Fear in relation to faith, stepping out in courage or bravery etc. Joshua is our reference, God’s presence and your focus is key
  2. Fear in relation to how we revere God aka “good/healthy fear”.  Solomon’s Proverbs are our reference, God’s nature and your submission is key
  3. Fear in relation with love. Jesus and his relentless grace is our reference, God’s faithfulness and the root of your faith is critical

God has and continues to teach me, rather successfully (my am I modest today), number 1 and 2. But Number 3…now that is a recent revelation and man it got me shook

One day I was happily scroll reading my bible app, don’t judge me, and was struck by

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. Fullstop. Power! Fist pump, pretend boxing vibes. So good! (Guys at some stage someone needs to tell me who started this ‘so good’ feedback trend in church…I just want to talk). So anyways, I started scrolling past to catch my word for the day and then my spirit was like “wait my ninja, you done? Read that again.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the verse actually reads:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (emphasis mine)

KJV in true dramatic fashion states  “because fear hath toment”

I was like PLEASE you best believe I know God loves my ratchet, I mean wretched, self. Look at how far He has taken me, the onus here is for me to now show Him that I love Him.

So when life threw me in situations where I needed to be brave (do not read impulsive), I dove in! From applying for THAT job to moving to Germany to bunjee jumping. When it comes to diving, I am pro. Possibly cos I legit believe I am a bit crazy ;P

When life asked me to declare things in faith…oooooohhh child (using Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts’ demon bully gangster voice), you see now a lot of the big things that have happened in my life I can trace to moments of inspiration where I spoke it. God taught me that I am a king, in my mouth is the power of life and death and that my words create. He taught me I have authority. Often I think I over-learnt this! Raaaaarrrggghhh.

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Life then changed the atmosphere, the level and took away what I knew and asked me if I was still fearless?

I put on the brave face and life slapped me breathless in response

I fumed and shouted an authoritative word and life stared me down to a whimper of old verses I think I knew…wasn’t that how Jesus defeated the enemy!? To the point where I had “faith” fatigue…and then fear found it’s slot…what if I’m just not…? Sadly, many of us can easily finish that sentence.

How easy it is to be brave while you are in God’s arms or your feet are on the ground and you control the narrative. The first 2 categories of fear/fearlessness is all about how you react…the third one is how you think God will react. But what do you do when He throws (rather HURLS) you in the air? I can unashamedly tell you, I puke! I don’t laugh like this crazy kid

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Image result for baby thrown in air
This kid is embarrasing me

It hit me like a ton of bricks. What makes this kid laugh mid air is the fact that she

(1) knows her daddy,

(2) is the one who threw her and,

(3) will catch her

Suddenly it is not about the brave face, the blind jump in or about speaking things into being. It’s about who is throwing you. For a moment your breath catches, you lose oxygen and are far from what you know (or thought you knew). For a moment you are far from God, people, and are exposed. Then you must know

  1. He is your Abba Father and is ever present: Isaiah 41:10 says do not fear for I am with you. God’s solution for fear is His presence and how you feel about His presence matters…are you cowering fearing He will blast you for that wrong decision…remember “fear hath toment”?
  2. He threw you and his eyes are on you: Deut 29:5 speaks of God leading His people into the wilderness. Read “God did it”.
  3. He will catch you: Deut 29:5, same verse, speaks of the fact that no harm came to His people. Read “God took care of them”

My second thought was a lesson I remember from bible college; the revelation that without a revelation of God’s love for you, the word will mean nothing to you. It won’t fully work for you. God will always be the punisher, the angry one, the one we kind of have to acknowledge, the chess player who just wants to control us. Sounds harsh, but if we peeled off a few layers of pretense or trying to fit into the perfect image of a christian, these thoughts may be true for a lot of us…or let’s just wait until the atmosphere changes as you are hurled into the air. Will we confess “oh how he loves us ” or will it become “how can a loving God allow this…”

Thank God He is not sunk by what sinks us. Jesus never sunk as he saved a drowning Peter. God won’t fall or stumble from catching you! Do you believe God loves you? With a perfect love? Do I believe God truly loves me, despite and in spite of my shortcomings. There are times I know I knew it. Those moments are aligned to times I spat at fears face and bulldozered into zones I have never been in. Then there are times I know I didn’t…times where I screamt in absolute fear thinking God was silent and angry at me, meanwhile he was just throwing me skywards to taste a new level…of faith dare I say.

As usual, I have a challenge for us. Let’s study God’s love. Read the word from a loving Father and not the punisher. Let’s pray that we get revelation of God’s love for us everyday and watch fear start to dissipate…as there is no fear in love…and those who fear are not made perfect in love.

I aspire to be fearless. I aspire to live completely in the knowledge that God loves me as now I understand that to be FEARLESS IS TO BE FULLY LOVED.

God loves me. Repeat. God loves me…as we create with our words

Let me know your thoughts


Love – The Spiritual


Part 2 is coming and we will go deeper:  The Brave vs. The Imposter

Image result for imposter syndrome

When the bravery is shaken, often we start to question…everything


This my new jam!

Dancing Lady

I’ve been majorly inspired these past few days and thought to myself why not share a new song God inspired in me

Some background;

“Alive” speaks of the freedom journey I have and am on with God. God has shown me areas of my life where I was/am bound and He has and is setting me free. In fact I believe I am mourning my previous self when I have moments of utter confusion as I know I can’t go back to the death that comes from being bound…and so I am learning to be Alive in my Freedom.

God is beyond a saviour, He is a transformer who came to give life and it in abundance. He can still breathe life into any dead thing, including dead vision and dreams…I’m a miracle I tell you…so I Praaaaaiiiiseeee Him for Mercy!

Hope you enjoy my new jam (version 120 and 121!!). Lyrics below. Please do tell me what you think but NO JUDGEMENT on my voice/tone as I am not anointed as a singer and my throat was sore #NotAnExcuse.

Side note: Kirk Franklin, Mali Music, John McReynolds, Dr Tumi…you can make it better and you knows it! Imagine a choir on that Bridge! Anyhooooo

#Alive #Memoirs #Spiritual  #Loner


Relentless is your love

You see right through my fight, it’s your love

Pride keeping me away

Yet you still wait me out

‘Cos you know better, so much better


God You came and gave me life

You held me in Your arms so I could survive

Still you stay(ed) with me so I can thrive

Now I know  You’d do anything to keep me alive



Still breathing, I’m a miracle

Free from strive and the cycle of lies

Chained to your love, your grace and mercy

I see I am found, bound to your love


(Bridge x2)

Though I still fall, make mistakes, I thank God I’m made alive

It don’t make sense, this grace thing, but I’m blessed to be alive

So, I Praise Him for Mercy

I Praise Him for Life

I Praise Him for Freedom

For He has made me Alive


(Chorus x 2)




Let’s talk about TRUST baby!

Recently God asked a question that burned so much that I walked away from his presence to basically avoid it. Fam I saw flames as He asked me the below:


With a sinking feeling I knew that since I didn’t stand up and holler “Yaaaassss” or “YERS”, I could only settle at  a whimpering ‘No’. I had to come to the full realisation that perhaps I didn’t trust God as much as I thought I did. What if I was self- sufficient or self-dependent and it made it hard for me to trust a God I couldn’t give credit to.

What if half of what I started or got into was simply a back-up plan for God, a “just-in-case” measure for a God I don’t quite trust? What if I have been taught so much that everything with God is hard, full of life lessons and uphill so he can, you know, “build character” and so I became apt at finding the loophole in this ‘contract’ I signed when I accepted Christ as my saviour. This loophole usually involves a quick fix within the framework of God’s work so I can, you know, see some progress for goodness sakes.

Yes, I too shake my head at my reasoning. No, I refuse to self-condemn, I am a kid under grace.

In comes the word and from a verse we so love;

Proverbs 3: 5 – 11

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”;

It does not stop there. The rest of the verses proceeds to actually tell us the how.

  1. “In all your ways SUBMIT TO HIM, and He will make your paths straight”
  2. DO NOT BE WISE IN YOUR OWN EYES; FEAR THE LORD and SHUN EVIL, This will bring health to your bones.”
  3. HONOUR THE LORD WITH YOUR WEALTH, WITH THE FIRSTFRUITS of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine.

Basically, what God is trying to tell me and you is that to trust Him we should submit, be humble and give. Now don’t shoot me for oversimplfiying, this is the word fam and often we believe God says something, goes in hiding and then get’s frustrated that we can’t find Him or figure Him out in an epic game of hide and seek. This is not true. God is an advocate for understanding, He even says in all your hoarding/getting, get understanding. Seek and you shall find.

Often God will declare we are something, not so we can puff our chests at how bad-ass we are, but rather so He can reveal another dimension of the relationship He hopes to have with us.

You as a disciple makes Him a teacher. Oh disciple; when was the last time you submitted your assignment/plan to your teacher? Man, even me I want to skip grades of life and get the reward for most improved student with unmarked papers. Really!? Can the student know more than the teacher? Yes, on earth, but not with this one. This teacher also happens to be your King, creator and dare I say parent?

You as a child of God, makes Him a parent; when is the last time you had childlike trust in what Your Father said He would do?

Will you now point at the times God said No, the times He didn’t do what you wanted?Tell me something, when your parents said no to you, did you disown them as parents after you threw your tantrum?  Did you back up your parents when you asked for something? Fam, I used to ask my dad to bring back Lays chips when he got back from work. I did not then proceed to go and collect cents from neighbours, telephone booths and perhaps a wallet or two (one day I will tell you about my thieving days)  so that I could buy Mamas (popcorn brand in SA) or Nik Naks (you haven’t lived if you havent finished a big packet of these) JUST IN CASE my dad didn’t come back with chips. There is a gullible/naive blind trust that a child has towards their parent, let’s call it dependency, that is probably endearing to God and WEAK to us. Why? Is a child stupid for trusting so much? I mean they don’t know the difference between right and wrong right!

Could it be that God wanted us to balance the innocent dependent attitude of a child with the authority expected from a son while having access to our deepest secrets and desires as a friend? Could it be that what we call the loss of innocence, naivity, gullibleness is actually a growing pride in what we can do or know. Hey, they say experience is the greatest teacher and I actually believe that but now under the premise that “what God cannot teach us through instruction, he does through experience”- Dr. Dharius Daniels. Perhaps then the greatest teacher is instruction, we just suck at listening…

This is a thought built to leave many open questions, one of which is;

Why do we back up God?

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What we invest in reveals our trust. When you invest in the lottery, you perhaps trust karma, chance, luck. When you invest in your children, you trust your genes…okay you are probably also PRAYING and trusting they are worth the investment in the form of them becoming upstanding citizens, the kind that will also look after you someday. When you invest in a savings account, stocks etc, you trust the markets, the banking system…all of this has a proven track record right? Fam. We have little to no back up for this stuff…so why do we back up God?

Side note disclaimer for the clever cat that will read what I am not saying: God doesn’t mind investments, He just wants to be first.

Man, I am challenged to trust God and am passing that on to you so we can all be in the flames together.  I am challenged to lift my game just a little and see the good stuff mentioned above manifest. Up to now, with lowish trust levels I am where I am. Imagine, just imagine…what could happen if I lost one of my “just in cases” for God and saw what God can do? Fam I gave my bank a chance, they changed their brand without telling me but I still believe! God hasn’t ever changed.

What are your #trustlevels?

– The Spiritual


What Discipline?


Recently saw the quote above and got a tiny bit depressed….

I recently realised that I am very disciplined with my work (I’m the all in kind of girl) but not so much with my personal or spiritual life. My very deep excuse is that I am afraid of myself. I am legit afraid of my God-given potential, what I can do and be and so choose to focus on what I can control and downplay what I cannot, even if it is likely to be more rewarding and fulfilling

*waits for the raised hand – hmmmm-blessed-stank-face from the congregation*

I want to build my empire, economic freedom in my lifetime and for the generations coming, but it is much easier (read secure and safe) churning out work for a good solid job. Now don’t read job = unfulfilling and no I don’t hate my job but I must ask if my love for my job is driven by served time, comfort, being good at it or true passion? ANYWAYS, as I was saying…

An example; I want to sleep more, eat better and exercise often, but, I also need to pause or escape my hectic life (so I say to myself). Enter Netflix – which I have deactivated for the 3rd time -, Hallmark, the cinema and my faithful bed! Oh and man do I need to do my personal admin on time! SARS (tax services in South Africa) knows my work; it usually involves a call at 23h45 on returns day asking for my password! Let me not mention that I drove with an expired licence for 6 months! In my defense I didn’t know they actually expired, bless the soul of the policeman who explained this to me while giving me a ticket

Side note: Man am I painting a bad picture of myself here. Do not worry prospective husband or friend, this lack of discipline does not extend to others. I prioritise getting things done….for others. This is not a point to celebrate as it points to a brokenness more than a servant heart! More on that in another post

So I thought to myself that missing in my life is consistency or discipline.  See I understand self investment when referring to the importance of reading and building knowledge, but not so much when it comes to  writing a blog or investing the time to actually build my empire. In fact, in a rough RCA (root cause analysis) I found that 3 things eat away at  or cripple MY self-discipline or ability to just get it done:

  1. Fear
  2. Insecurity – lacking self belief
  3. Impatience

Side note: Note how I left our laziness. Like anger, I think laziness and procrastination are secondary states or rather, an outcome of something else.


FEAR: We have talked about this. Someone recently said fear is the root of all disobedience *pause moment to take that in*. We hate the unknown so we avoid trying and prefer our comfort zone. By the way, the comfort zone needn’t be equal to #level in life. Someone’s comfort zone can be being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company…it doesn’t mean they are not afraid and are disciplined with what actually makes them happy


INSECURITY:  I reckon this is a crippling element in a lot of our lives. Insecurity locks onto words uttered, a narrative, circumstance, history or belief and measures what needs to be done against that. So if you hear enough that you can’t, your starting point for everything is “I can’t” which then affects what you believe you can do or even how you do it. This self-doubt is inward looking and projects from what it sees. Countless times I have let this stop me from doing anything, not anymore.


IMPATIENCE : Man is it hard to wait. Wait out the process, journey, relationship, building. Instant gratification is in our generations’ DNA. Often I wonder what causes this…are we afraid it won’t happen? Is it a case of “comparison kills” in our social media driven society? Is that what made our parents better at this particular fruit of the spirit? I know, mentally, that this is a key to better discipline/consistency but I haven’t mastered translating it into action. YET.

So here’s what I plan to focus on (Disclaimer: I did not read a book for this, pure opinion folks, so do not book bash me)

PRIORITISING –  Perhaps we should have mentioned this as a crippling effect. I admire people who are really good at one thing and invest in that with everything they have. Being a jack of all trades is overrated. I want to be really good at one thing and use it as a base to build a disciplined spirit which will translate into discipline in my personal life. I have a friend who did this and placed health at the top of her priorities. She announced this and proceeded to shape her entire life around maintaining that priority. So in a toss-up between work and health, she chooses the latter. Her world has had to adjust to this – from work to friends and she is happier as a human and seeing results. In my inspired state I start thinking, what if I could prioritise xyz and then manoeuver everything else around that? There is a price to pay and the ability to choose what is important is a discipline in its own right and so a good starting point on this journey

ESTABLISHING ACCOUNTABILITY –  I’ve had a personal trainer, teachers, senior church leaders, all types of leaders before but I cannot shake the belief that following instructions and accountability are not the same. I read on google that accountability is answerability, blameworthiness, liability, and the expectation of account-giving. I just wonder if I give account for my life to anyone but God? As I ponder on this, I do know that disciplined people are accountable…to someone or something. Jesus Himself was accountable. Linked to this is;

ASKING FOR HELP – I’m an avid learner…when I control the curriculum. Asking for help requires vulnerability, which is a strength, not a weakness so I have been told *I refuse to roll my eyes*. Often I think I learnt this late as I have been robbed of honest relationships…but man I thank God that there have been relentless people in my life who have helped me even when I stubbornly believed I could do it on my own. So while blushing and even knowing I can do the task myself, albeit in double the time, I will not deny myself the joy of a helping hand and ask for help. Again, being a jack of all trades is overrated

It took a lot of discipline to write this blog entry and I would love to hear thoughts on this particular topic

Bye for now,

The Extrovert







Responding to revelation

I have been silent. Something about sleeping with the lights on..,a topic for another day…but for now, I would like to share a thought.

NP: Yahweh – Elevation Worship

Reading: I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people – Ephesians 1:18

Recently I learnt that worship comes from the phrase “worth ship”. The first implying a revelation, and the second a response.

In my 12 years of knowing God I have come to the understanding that everything about God is about revelation!

A few key thoughts:

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  • You cannot live the full life God has for you without revelation of His unconditional love for you. You will likely to get in your way or try to earn God’s love as the world presents it as something unattainable and only for a few. God doesn’t like this much (Isaiah 64:6). In fact God claims us by our ability to love, saying we will be known for our love. Almost as if to say if they can just see love, they will believe…if it can be revealed, it will induce a change of mind, heart and actions
  • The whole journey with God starts with a revelation; be it of your sinful nature in need of a Saviour or of the potential to live it up in a home made for you in the afterlife, hey… no judgements of your salvation story 😉
  • The word makes sense through revelation. It is called the living word (Hebrews 4:12) as it meanders in the fabric of our life to reveal the deep things of God.
  • One thing to note is that what is being revealed is not given existence by your discovery, it already existed, in its full form. It is like a buried treasure…it exists, with a name even, but has to be dug out to be revealed. Hey it’s not even a moving goal post…it stays where it is waiting to be discovered

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That discovery, any discovery will change how you perceive things, think and act, often immediately!

I guess that is why God is a fan of revelation. Look at words like ‘light’, ‘enlighten’, ‘open hearts and eyes’, ‘vision’, the ‘torn veil’ and advocating for us to ‘seek understanding’ and often highlighting the perils of not knowing (Hosea 4:6).

I reckon He is after the change of perception, thinking and actions that comes as a result of revelation more than the method of revelation (Romans 1: 20). This relentless God will use anything, anyone, anytime and anyhow to reveal Himself to you. He knows the power of discovery, knowledge, understanding, open heart/eyes…for all we know revelation is the beginning of character building

Human intelligence and “enlightenment” has overtaken the desire to seek wisdom, revelation and understanding. We are the generation of information, big data and social media, which is amazing, but we should ask what are we enlightened to? If not the ideas of humans who change their mind about almost everything, every generation depending on the latest technology or finding or discovery? How we live says a lot about what has been revealed to us


So worship, it goes beyond the slow jam at church, it really is your reaction to what is revealed to you about God. So a life well lived, is a life full of revelation! Gratitude is a sign of revelation…so is kindness, generosity, love, joy, gentleness…sounding familiar? Man I thank God He reveals Himself and when or if I cannot see anything, knowing what it is worth, I dig for it in solitude, the people I meet, in the word, in the company I keep, in the books I read, in the stuff I watch…and I continue to react to these revelations, what some may call spiritual growth

Now, as I respond to the revelation that there is power in showing ones scars, let me be vulnerable to a dear friend and share how tough my last few months have actually been

See what I did there

Portia – The spiritual



“Do you really love me?” – God

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So I have been battling for some time now with really figuring out whether I love God or not. Now don’t get me wrong, I do everything that signals love; I spend time with God, praise Him, pray to Him, go to church and even participate in ushering and running the church choir…So based on the above, I love God.  I mean if we had to change this around to a woman/man defending their love for someone, we would believe them right;

  1. Spends quality time
  2. Shares activities
  3. Even pray for and with the partner…

I mean, what is love!!!??

I seriously cannot answer that. Nah, I’m not here to try and decipher love…I would have to understand God fully and my mind cannot even comprehend His grace over my life, let alone His favour…how much more His very nature: Love.

But because we are scholars and we seek knowledge so that we don’t perish (Hosea 4:6), we turn to the scriptures. Amongst the many references of love, I found 3 that stood out for me…basically starting to tell me how I can know if I love God…scary but let’s dive in.

  1. Found in John 14:15 – If you love me, obey/keep my commands
  2. Found in John 21: 15 – 18 (Jesus grills poor Peter)..v18 says “then feed my sheep”
  3. Found in John 10:17 – For this reason my Father loves me, because I lay down my life so that I can take it again

Let’s dig:

1. A life lived

Do I obey God’s commands??? <insert obvious face> Of course I do! Let’s see:

I pray…okay not ceaselessly…that would be nuts. I mediate on the word day and night…okay only in the light, come on, who thinks about the word at night!!? Hmm…I know, I love my brother…so I qualify to say I love Him (its biblical!) EISH…then Corinth 13, the LOVE CHAPTER, rings in my ear and I remember the last time I wasn’t so patient/kind. Last attempt…I follow the great commission, I preach the word…ahhh…except for the laying of hands on the sick, nope that aint my calling…

Now before I spiral into a web of self condemnation and wonder how the hell I got here, a scripture rescues me. Acts 4:31 comes into play. I in my own right cannot obey God. His rules are too deep and plus I have a reputation to uphold that shouldn’t involve talking to strangers about God (God forbid)or laying hands on the sickly. Okay on a serious note; the issue here is that most of us feel unworthy. We cannot see ourselves doing the very thing that saved us as the guy that layed hands on us was a (HU)MAN of God.

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Now this man was not only intelligent but also wise


Thank God for our interior designer, landscaper and house mate the holy spirit. I now get why we needed a helper! You see God kind of placed Himself in a funny position by giving us choice/will…it meant we could walk ourselves into heaven or hell. This God of ours loved us too much and knew that in our old sinful nature we would struggle to transition into Life. So He sent us a helper…which is still within His word as He said He will never leave us nor forsake us. Amongst the many responsibilities of our Helper, He is here to help us obey God’s commands, knowing very well that this is the key to everything…life and love. It’s important to God that we obey His commands as they ensure we live at full capacity. But then again, we are credited with Jesus obedience when we recieve Him into our lives. How else would a Holy God live in and even share an inheritance with a so called “sinner” that is you and I.


2. A life shared

What does God expect us normal average Joes (okay I’m using it to drive my point, not that I actually believe anyone is average) to feed the people!!?? Surely I must first have to then share. I aint anointed? I aint a “giant of the faith”…I’m not even sure I am a midget of the faith (no offense intended here). Ahh…God always has answere though…He says the FULLNESS OF GOD IS IN US. That kind of means I am filled with God…FILLED. How much of Him I see is up to me. Check this; we are 70% water right? Cool, is water gushing out of you? Nope. It is hidden in your blood, so infused with all your organs and inner workings that you can’t quite separate it out…except for when you sweat a bit of course ;). Another way is an unforgettable analogy made by my youth leader. He said that the spirit in us is like sugar in water. Simply poured in water it sinks to the bottom. It’s affect in the water is never felt really…not until one stirs the sugar into the water…then you get sugar water and you can’t really separate the sugar from the water, they are one. How do we stir God in us so that we become tasty fruit to everyone around us? Pray, Worship, the Word…I cannot over emphasize that the Holy Spirit can only operate within what we know or are open to know. So when people observe our lives (1 Thess 4: 11), they are consuming our essence/values/life which should be modelled after God. What are you feeding people??

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No seriously, what are you feeding people???


3. A life surrendered

Something happens in between you giving up your life and you picking it up again. Its as if Jesus was saying To show I love God, I will lay down my way of doing things (John 5: 19), let my life touch His feet (His walkers, His territory takers, what connects Him and the earth, His salvation/good news) and then pick it up again…You can bet that once your life have touched God’s feet, it returns to you with a spirit of dominance/power and authority. God’s feet are rather fascinating but that is a story for another day. Love without surrender doesn’t exist. God Himself gave up His son…Often we glaze over that sacrifice in our rush to get to the empty tomb on Easter Sunday. Imagine you as a parent leading your young son or daughter to the cliff and pushing them off, so that your neighbour can live another day. Graphic but you get my point. I would trust life with my designer and manufacturer than any promises this world makes as I am assured that no one knows my wiring and has my best interest at heart more than my maker.

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Just Give Up!


Does this mean we earn God’s love? Hmm…let’s see; He has so much faith that we love Him already that He created the reward for a life lived, a life surrendered and a life shared. That is before we even started. To God, we love Him as He first loved us. He is not delusional. He put the ability to do what He asked in all of us. God never demands of what He never equipped us to do. In fact, I reckon He earns our Love. He is forever pursuing you relentlessly in order to give you Life (John 10:10-11)…who doesn’t love to be pursued and wooed.

If to love God means to live (in full), share and surrender my life, then perhaps I am not too far off not by my own strength or power…nope, by His very spirit. God so trusts that buried underneath our thick layer of self centeredness, self doubt and condemnation is still His nature which is our DNA…and at its very core is love. It takes a lot of effort  for us not to love…its unnatural.


Stirring frantically,


The Spiritual


Perpetually auditioning to be someone’s Mrs Right????

Recently I heard a statement thrown at me that went something like this: “look at Portia show us that she can clean the kitchen to advertise her wife material-ness”. As you can imagine this made my blood boil, but I kept quiet and continued cleaning with the aim to address this later…

Let’s address this belief that every time a woman cares, helps, cleans, cooks or dresses nice she is auditioning to be a man’s Mrs Right. Now I know I am not alone in this. I am rather sick of losing friends who made things awkward by telling me or assuming that I am in love with them and that is why I am caring for them or helping them so much. In fact the friendzone was created for such!

So I am single and happy, for now. The perks are that I do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. The disadvantage is not that I’m lonely (I have friends) or that I am shunned by society (I aint accountable to “them”) or that I don’t have body heat in winter (Uhm…I live in Durban plus I have those fabulous Mink blankets from the many family Zulu weddings I attend, so I am set. lol)…no that’s not the problem…the issue is that all eyes are on me as if I are auditioning to be someone’s wife! So you get the side eye if your nails are a bit long, or your hair is not perfectly coiffed or you don’t jump up to get the broom after a friend’s party or arrive early to help set the dishes or wash the dishes in an apron after the buffet lunch. It’s as if the aunts and nay sayers of the world are saying “You MUST always look and act like the PERFECT WIFE as every action of yours is an audition…Men see everything, show him what you are made of honey otherwise you will be ALONE FOREVER…*dramatic pause*”. Uhm!??? I just wish they had this passion to see us become anointed, educated, powerful and independent women…sigh.

My expression each time I hear this. *slaps forehead*
My expression each time I hear this. *slaps forehead*

Okay, so I will admit that on one side there are those women who have applied the above techniques with the intention of being seen by their male counterparts and have successfully caught that man. *slow clap*. Great advertising. However, this done purely as advertising can be compared to the hypocritical Pharisees that prayed out aloud in the open courts so that everyone could see and hear their eloquent prayers or those that fast and leave their lips dry for all the world to see. Now that means that the eyes of the people are their reward…that’s it. Now besides this being weak and shallow criteria to select a wife and the fact that more than 50% of women can do the above with their eyes shut; I don’t want a man’s eyes, I want his vision and love (this is another story for another day). On the other hand, there are many married women that couldn’t or still can’t cook and clean to save their livess #jussayin…so what did they do to catch that man?

I am not against the visible displays of “womanhood”, in fact meany of us have been brought up by “old school” mothers who cannot sit still until everything from the dishes to the curtains are clean! They epitomise a helper in every way and carry themselves with a dignity worthy of respect. Most of them didn’t get the chance to be in a social setting where their suiters could see them cook, clean or visit them in hospital before they were married…so besides their beauty, there are other characteristics that got them the marriage. I believe that they understand that they are helpers, in or out of marriage.

Carolyn Custis inspired me by explaining the concept of “helper” that has changed my outlook a bit, she says: “The word helper is actually the Hebrew word ezer. Historically, we’ve narrowed the word ezer to mean wife and mother, to indicate that a woman’s role is to take on supportive duties for the husband. But when God declared that “it is not right for a man to be alone, I will make a helper” , they were in Eden. The man didn’t have a house, laundry, or meals that needed to be prepared. So what is she helping him with?

There are 21 occurrences of the word ezer in the Old Testament. It’s used twice for the woman. But it’s used 3 times for nations Israel turned to for military assistance, and 16 times to describe God as Israel’s helper.” See the rest of this article on the following link. God’s Purpose for Women

Now I will let you ponder the above statement but for me, a take out is that God is not lesser/weaker than Israel, nor does He need Israel’s favour. He is just being Himself in love when he helps. Just as much as we understand God’s leadership and strength in men, why can’t we understand God’s help, care and multiplication in women, with the same reverence for the originator?

So when I clean, cook, look after anyone, dress up nice, I am being myself by design and upbringing. This has nothing to do with you men. In fact, I wish all of you would meet our mothers and then dare come and say we are auditioning to be your Mrs Right. That woman would cry a widow’s tears if she saw me in night gown past 7am, how much more being caught chilling in a dirty kitchen. So my design and my mother  are my motivators more than marriage to you. Askies neh…

So, if we had to keep the theme, in the pageant for Mrs Right, what you men see us doing after the party or when you are sickly or when you simply need an ear would only be the talent part of the show… you still have to:

1.  ask us the tough questions at the end to reveal our true character under pressure,

2. see us in our casual wear – what is it that we enjoy doing, our “happy place”?,

3. see us in formal wear – how we interact with your crowd, those important to you,

4. see us in our swimsuit – where our souls are naked and we have nothing to hide

5. see our smile – our personality and,

6. our walk -our lifestyle and values.

7. announce the Queen and her princesses – we know we are being chosen as your Queen amongst many options…but once you make your choice, make sure the potentials know where they stand as no one wants drama 😉

Mrs Right and her princesses 😉

So please gentlemen, don’t lose our friendship by jumping to conclusions on our intentions when we do woman things…that’s like us crowning you Mr Right for rocking a fitted suit or supporting Orlando Pirates Football Club…its shallow and can make things rather awkward.

We cool right?


Portia The Extrovert